Yuletide Merriment, or, The Price of Betting
by Allergic-to-Paradox
Summary: What happens when you combine Scotty, Uhura, a parody writer and Christmas carols? ONESHOT fic, detailing this odd adventure...


A/N-- this chapter is a bit of a holiday intermission from our regularly scheduled features. Enjoy, and have a Happy Yule!

Disclaimer: I do not own them, Sam I am, I do not own them in a box, I do not sell them for a fox, so do not sue me, Sam I am...

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Uhura sighed and adjusted the Christmas wreath in her hair. "This is the _last_ time I lose a bet to Scotty," she muttered to herself. With one last glance in the mirror she turned and went into the hallway.

Scotty was waiting with his hands clasped behind his back, looking very pleased with himself. The green tinsel and pine branches he had wrapped around his shoulders, head and arms contrasted nicely with his red uniform. He handed her a songbook. "Here ye are, let's nae stand aboot wastin' time." He grinned wickedly.

Uhura sighed and followed him to Sulu's room, where Sulu and Chekov waited anxiously, adjusting their Santa Claus hats. Chekov had a sprig of pretend mistletoe on the end of his, which Uhura eyed warily.

Sulu was clutching jingle bells in his hand and pretending not to look excited. Chekov was muttering various curses under his breath and something about Christmas being a Russian inwention.

Scotty surveyed them with an exceedingly satisfied look on his face. "Ready, me lucky lads?"

They both grumbled under their breath, although Sulu didn't seem to mind quite so much.

The Chief Engineer beamed and gave them songbooks as well. "Page 394 lads, an' don' ye ferget it. Noo, tae Sickbay!" he marched off in the lead, humming 'Jingle Bells' under his breath.

Uhura sighed once more, then squared her shoulders and followed.

Sulu grinned and tagged along behind her, dragging the mutinous Chekov by the wrist.

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The sound of a doorbell rang through sickbay. Doctor McCoy jumped and rushed from his office, closing the door firmly behind him. He straightened his shirt and combed down his hair with his fingers. The door opened as he approached, and he was greeted with the strangest sight seen on the ship since fanfiction began.

Scotty, clad in crooked tinsel and tree-branch wreaths, was holding a microphone, a portable stick-on doorbell and was looking cheerful in a slightly diabolical way. Behind him was Uhura, also clad in red and green, Sulu, wildly jingling a handful of bells and Chekov, looking as though this was the last place in the galaxy he wanted to be.

"What the–"

"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer!" Scotty bellowed, beaming. "Had a vera shinny nose! And if ye aver saw it,"

"Saw it..." chimed in Scotty's recruits glumly.

"Ye would e'en say–"

The door to Sickbay slammed in Scotty's face and there was an audible 'click' as the irritated CMO locked it shut.

Scotty beamed again. "Och, the doctor's got some braw Christmas spirit!"

"But this is a starship!" Uhura exclaimed indignantly. "You _can't_ slam the doors!"

"The doctor got wind o' the plot," the Engineer explained. "He had some o' the lads from Engineerin' fit the door wit' hinges, so's he could slam it."

Chekov made a note of this even as he glared jealously at the door. Why did the Doctor get out of this foolish stunt? Just because he, Chekov, the Official Russian Dude of the _Enterprise_, lost a bet with Sulu, why did he have to pay this miserable price? "Rudolph de Red-nosed Reindeer vas _not_ a Russian inwention," he muttered angrily. "It vas most devinitely a _Scottish_ inwention..." He shuffled after the positively _bouncing _Scotty, still being dragged from his wrist by Sulu.

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They stopped at various doors all along the decks. They sang 'Deck the Halls' to Yeoman Janice Rand, who giggled uncontrollably from the moment she saw them until the door closed behind her. They serenaded Nurse Christine Chapel, who smirked behind her hand when Scotty told her they'd been to Sickbay. They even began 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' to Lieutenant Lazar Rosenberg in the hallway, who told them firmly that he was Jewish and had no time for Christmas carols, as they were blocking his way to the torpedo bay.

Scotty trotted along, happy as the proverbial clam, and Uhura began to suspect something. Even Scotty didn't do things like this without a reason. When they reached Mister Spock's quarters, she thought maybe she'd been wrong. Until the door opened, and Spock stepped out in a blue Santa Claus suit. His boots were freshly polished, false fur adorned his lapels and sleeves, and a wide belt was clasped about his waist.

"Oh dear," Uhura sighed.

Spock made a last adjustment to his blue hat (perched high on his head, so as to give the full effect of his ears) and nodded to Scotty.

The Engineer positively glowed, before turning and starting a carol at the top of his lungs. Spock positioned himself in the middle of their party and Uhura once again had to give the Vulcan's genius credit. The moment anyone heard Scotty singing (a rendition of 'Silent Night' with his trademarked Scottish burr), they ran for their lives. People could be heard pelting down the hallways before them, shouting to the others to get away while they could. In this way, Spock passed silent and unnoticed through the ship, no one to stand witness to his costume save Scotty and his unhappy trio of backup singers.

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Uhura was sure that they were going to be transferred. Probably to a Klingon ship. Scotty, whom she had never thought of as suicidal, was leading their little caroling party straight to the Captain's door. She began mentally preparing lists of reasons why she was too valuable to transfer, as well as lists of blackmail information. There was nothing to get you a better position on a starship than blackmailing just the right people. By the time they reached Captain Kirk's door, Spock, Scotty, Doctor McCoy and several Admirals in Starfleet were on the list. Kirk himself had never been _off_ the list, of course. Communications officer was perhaps the best job in the Fleet, when you thought about the sheer amount of information you could 'accidentally' record.

Sulu jingled his bells nervously and Chekov did his best to hide behind his friend, looking miserable.

The pleased Mr. Scott stuck the doorbell onto the Captain's door, then rang it enthusiastically.

Spock elbowed his way to the front and took the microphone from Scotty. He struck a pose that seemed somehow familiar to Uhura, though she couldn't place it right away.

Captain Kirk opened the door and looked out, puzzled. Then he caught sight of Spock and his jaw dropped. He grinned, eyeing the costume appreciatively.

"I'll ha-ha-have a bl-blue Chri-hist-mas..._Withou_'choo..." Spock sang in a surprisingly deep voice. It wasn't until he wiggled his hips that Uhura got it.

With a groan, she realized that Spock, the most staid and logical person she knew, was doing an Elvis Presley impersonation.

Scotty elbowed Sulu and Chekov, who joined him in the backup vocals.

"I'll be so bl-bl-blue, just thinking..._abou_'choo..."

"AwoooOOOoo.."

"Decorations of raha-red on aha greeeeen Chri-hist-tmas tree..."

"AwoooOOOooo..." they chorused.

The Captain leaned against the doorframe and looked smugly pleased, as though this was just what he was due.

When Spock finally finished the song (with a last "I'll ha-ha-have a bl–ue..._Chri-hist-mas_..._whithou'_choo!" and hip-wiggle and another "Awoo-OO-ooo.." from the others), Kirk applauded with a huge grin on his face. Spock bowed and handed him a piece of paper he pulled from...somewhere.

The Captain opened it. After a quick glace, he looked back up. "Poetry, Spock?"

Spock merely raised an eyebrow.

Kirk grinned again and grabbed his first officer by the belt, dragging him into the room and locking the door behind them.

Chekov looked like he was about to be sick.

Sulu and Scotty, on the other hand, seemed thrilled at their matchmaking.

Uhura rolled her eyes. "Scotty?"

"Aye lass, ye're done. We've done our job." With that, he took back the songbook and strode down the hall, whistling cheerily.

The Lieutenant just shook her head.

Sulu put an arm around his friend, still clutching the jingle bells. "Come on, Pavel, let's go get some hot chocolate. 'Night!" He called back to Uhura. She waved, then set off in the other direction, to the peace and quiet of her own rooms

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A/N-- This Fic was a gift for my Mum, who requested I put Elvis' version of 'Blue Christmas' in a Star Trek story. I was originally going to have Scotty sing it all, but my little sister (who helped me write it) convinced me to have Spock sing to Kirk instead. I also owe big thanks to the Brian Jacques book 'Rakkety Tam' (in the 'Redwall' series), because I used how his character Wild Doogy Plum (a Highland Squirrel, doncha know!) for examples on how Scotty speaks.

Also, the Jewish Lieutenant Scotty serenades in the hall is actually a friend of mine. I asked my Mum for the most Jewish name she could think of, and that was it. Hope you don't mind, Lazar! ;-) (and he really would be heading to the torpedo bay too, for reasons known or unknown to the general populace...

For those interested, here are the actual, non Spock-and-Elvis-version words to 'Blue Christmas'...which is owned by someone, I don't know who...

Ill have a blue christmas without you  
Ill be so blue just thinking about you  
Decorations of red on a green christmas tree  
Won't be the same dear, if youre not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling  
Thats when those blue memories start calling  
Youll be doin all right, with your christmas of white  
But Ill have a blue, blue blue blue christmas

(instrumental break)

Youll be doin all right, with your christmas of white,  
But Ill have a blue, blue christmas


End file.
